Goodbye 2007

As another year comes to an end I cant help but wonder about how wasted this whole year was. This year was destined to be one of the worst. I mean it started with a break up. Yes, we broke up on Jan 1st, four hours into the new year and its been pretty much downhill since then. When I look back on my life years from now, I'll always remember 2007.

But I think I grew up the most this year. Ive realised not only how wrong I can be about people but about how wrong I was about myself. I have been the best friend and the worst friend all in a year. In a lot of ways this was the lonliest year. I have discovered what my priorities truly are. That all that I thought would make me happy actually dont. I would even go so far as to say that they turned out to cause more grief than anything.

This new years, I have decided to lay low. Am gonna spend it at home, with my family. New years with family means we go to the temple close by at 12 and then we go to sleep. New years with friends means partying the whole night. This year I choose the temple.

So thats my epitaph for the year. I hope and pray that 2008 is way better for me and for everyone reading this. Take care y'all.

Revenge is sweet...

or that is what I have believed all my life. When I have really disliked someone, I have often fantasized about doing bad things to them or hoping that something bad would happen to them. That doesnt mean I'm planning murder. I mean simple things like they would do a test badly for example. Of course I never acted on this, but fondly played them out in my head. But there were very few people I have genuinely hated, so this didnt happen too often. Maybe through all my student life there were about 3 people for whom I felt this way. Then there soon came another category of people on whom I seeked revenge. These were the people who hurt me really deeply. They hurt me, so I hurt them back. When poet boy hurt me way back when I was only 17, I hurt him back. I would be as mean as possible to him and never had anything nice to say to him. He tried for a long time and finally I had just pushed him so far, that he gave up. And when he we broke up he didnt not have to feel any guilt cos I had hurt him back equally if not more. And it felt good.

And so whenever people asked me if I believed in revenge, I have nodded in the affirmative.

But I dont know if its because of age, or if I have become weaker or maybe because the ability to love someone has increased infinitely in the last decade, revenge does not seem sweet anymore. Pacific Guy hurt me more than anyone else has and for a long time all I wanted to do was hurt him back, to show him that I didnt care, that I did not want anything to do with him. The words come easily to me, but I hold back. For everything he says I have a comeback, one that would hurt,but instead I stop myself. I feel incapable of hurting him. Something inside doesnt allow me to. And all this pent up feelings I would imagine would make me feel frustrated, but for some strange reason I, instead feel at peace. When on those rare occasions I am really rude, it doesnt feel good at all. Far from it.

And it feels so strange and confusing. Shouldnt I hate the person who broke me? Shouldnt I want to break him too?

Revenge is bitter.....I have learnt that...But why am I not bitter?

Ok people! As you'll can see, if you have been paying attention to the right hand side of my blog, I havent read a book in the longest time. All I have been reading is Asterix, Asterix and more Asterix. Can you'll pls recommend some good books to read. No romance and no science fiction please.

Faaaaaaaast!

Saawariya

By the way, I saw Saawariya on Friday.

No, I'm not going to do a review of the movie, cos that would mean having to relieve the experience of watching the movie.

So I have only one word for the movie : Excrutiating

Please do not watch it.

No. Not even to see how bad it is.

If inspite of this you are going to watch it, dont say I didnt warn you'll!

Its a beautiful November afternoon. My computer is near the window and the breeze is flowing into my room in the most awesome manner. I havent posted in a long time, but that doesnt mean I have been upto nothing.

A lot has been happening including at the work front. From the time I joined this place I have been waiting for a promotion and when it came it didnt feel like much at all. In fact I felt absolutely nothing when I was given the news. Along with the promotion comes a very challenging role with a much bigger team. I know I must be thrilled. I dont understand this.

Pacific guy and I have started speaking. It started a few days after my bday. and ever since we have been speaking almost everyday. Its not like anything is going to happen. We both know that and its not like any of us want anything to happen. When I started talking to him I promised myself I wouldnt let myself get hurt and I think I have succeded. I mean, he has even told me that he regrets not having commited to Adeona. Ok it cut like a knife when I heard him say that but I recovered quickly. He even tells me sometimes that he is depressed and when I ask why, he says its cos he misses her. Again it cuts like a knife but I think I'm beggining to get immune to the pain.

I know you'll must be wondering why I'm talking to him. I know I would if I were reading this. I know I would consider me to be pretty brainless to be doing this, but really I'm not that stupid, atleast when it comes to such things. I mean I did stop talking to him for almost a year and I started only cos I thought I was over him and I can handle it. And I'm handling it, I think. I doubt he can hurt me. But then I wonder sometimes how inspite of nothing really changing in my life, I seem to have suddenly found happiness in the last 2 months. And then I'm not so sure anymore.

The pain came suddenly. It started in her stomach and within seconds engulfed her entire body. The pain was so extreme that she fell to the floor curled up hugging herself. And just when the intensity of the pain increased to a point where the moans were to turn into screams, it disappeared. The pain vanished as quickly and suddenly as it came. As she rose gingerly to her feet, the relief she felt, almost immediately turned into disappointment.

She realized with the familiar tightening in her chest, that now that the writhing pain had subsided, she had to deal with the other kind of pain that she had had to bear for the last two years. The pain of loss and lonliness.

Thus began the bouts of self-infliction

I know a boy who makes me laugh.
I know a boy who loves animals.
I know a boy who is a wonderful friend.
I know a boy who a very good brother
And an even better son.
I know a boy who will help you,
Even if it means he gets into trouble for it.
I know a boy, who takes great pain,
To make every birthday special for you.
I know a boy who will spend all the money he has earned,
In buying gifts for his friends.
I know a boy who has the brownest eyes,
And the sweetest smile.
I know a boy who would never break my heart.
I know a boy, I know nothing about.

The Wait

A myriad thoughts were floating through his mind as he waited for her to enter into the room. Will she ignore him? Will she stab him with her words? Will she look at him like she did the last time, so many months ago, her face awashed with disappointment? Will he be able to take any of those reactions? Wasnt it punishment enough to have had to stay away from her for so long?

Suddenly she appeared, searching, her eyes quickly landed on him. As she walked towards him, his mind swam with all those thoughts, and then, suddenly, she quickened her steps and landed with her arms around him. "Did you miss me?", she asked her eyes shining. "More than you'll ever know " was all he managed to say.

Being a twenty something...

Life is most complicated when you are in your twenties.Whoever said teenage years were difficult obviously didnt live through his twenties.

It is when you are in your twenties when you realize who your best friends are. It is actually when you are in your twenties when you realize the meaning of a best friend. And it is when you are in your twenties when your best friend lives half way across the globe.

When your heart was broken during your teens, it hurt but you knew that in time you would be fine and in time you would meet someone else. But when your heart is broken during your twenties you are baffled, cos this was not supposed to happen. This was not how you planned things. When you were in your twenties you were supposed to have met 'the one'. Now suddenly theres noone even close to that in your life and having to go through the whole tirade of meeting someone new, dating and gettin to know each other is exhausting to even think about.

You worked your entire 20 odd years in your life to get your dream job. You chose the subjects you needed to study and you burnt the midnight oil and went through the nightmarish time of exams during school and college, just to ensure that you landed that perfect job. And you realize that your job is not even close to what you dreamt about and now its too late to change anything.

It is in your twenties when existential agnst become a part of everyday parlance. It is in your twenties when you face your biggest fears. It is in your twenties when you have to battle lonliness.It is in your twenties that you hear someone say 'Life is unfair' and it cuts like a knife through you. It is in our twenties when you know that everyone considers you to be a grown up but it scares the shit outta you cos you dont feel grown up at all, like you have been thrown into this world of adults way before you were even remotely ready for it.

But for some strange reason we all still seem to hold on to our twenties dreading that day when you turn thirty.All this being said you'll can be rest assured that I'll be kicking and screaming when I turn thirty, which by the way is in the distant future or so I like to think!!!

She looked into his deep brown eyes,
As the distance seemed to grow.
Begging him to come back to her,
She tried to hold his gaze with hers,
Her eyes welling up with each passing minute,
But the impassive expression on his face remained,
The distant look and the slight smile.
And as the tears, she tried so hard to hold, fell
She took one last look and put his picture back into the dusty shelf.

This blog writers b'day is coming. Tommorrow infact. She is quite proud of the way she has been handling it so far. Usually she is depressed for an entire week before the b'day, but now it is more a feeling of numbness. Needless to say this has been a bitch of a year. She is hoping that the next year will be better, much better.She would like to give a recap on the year gone by, but has decided against it. She does not want to impose on her readers the tragic saga that would beat any hindi soap minus of course the good clothes and makeup.

On other news we have your blog writer deciding on the appropriate reaction to Pacific Guys call, which he will to wish her.

1) Do not answer.
2) Answer and abuse as much as possible.
3) Answer and be extra casual like he is somebody who is just an aquaintance.
4) Answer and keep it really short
PG: happy b'day
T : Thanks
PG: so how have u been
T : Fine, and u?
PG: good
T : Ok then. Will catch u later. Click.
5) Answer and talk as you normally would.

Readers are requested to provide their inputs. Also note, that option 5 should not be recommended under any circumstance.

Presenting the Past....

Yesterday I went for a school friends' wedding. Met up with quite a few of my classmates from school at the wedding reception. Some of us are meeting after 8 years. We laughed over old memories, memories that I did not even know existed. When I saw those faces from the past, the memories suddenly surfaced, from the deepest crevices of my mind.

School was great. I was oh so Poh-puh-lar in school. I topped my class most of time. I won several prizes during the sports day. I was always in the school play. My boyfriend, whom I was seeing since grade 9 through the end of school, was the six footer school captain. The teachers loved me. I had so many suitors I lost count. I was never alone at school. At any given point I was surrounded by people. And so yesterday, when I was among those same people for a few hours, it took me back, back to being wanted and envied. All the stories we talked about had me. As we bade goodbye, we promised to meet each other more often. Most of us since school have met people who have become more important in our lives. And so when we met yesterday, it was a reminder, that once upon a time these people were our world.

As I was driving back home, I thought about how our lives seemed so complex then, yet in such a simple way. I thought about my then boyfriend, who adored me, whose whole world revolved around me, who wrote me poetry and said I inspired him to, and most of all I thought about how much for granted I took all that. I just assumed that boys would all be like that. That they were made just to make us happy. I realised later, much later, how my taking him for granted must have hurt him. I have often thought that maybe God sent Pacific Guy into my life to jerk me into reality. Pacific Guy was the exact opposite of PoetBoy. It was I who adored PG. It was MY world that revolved around his and it was HE who took me for granted and it hurt. It hurt cos after 6 years of breaking up with PoetBoy, I was gettin a taste of my own medicine and I hated it.

The drive back to my home was late in the night and there was a slight drizzle. The whether was perfect, just the way I like it. But my life is far from perfect. I was leaving that perfect past and driving towards the present, a present where loneliness has become a part of my life and where the job i've always wanted is killing me.

Most people run away from the past. I wish I could run back to it and never return.

Right now I'm in a long narrow rusting pipe

I feel fluid. I feel like I take the shape of whatever I'm put into. I dont have a shape of my own. I dont have the right to have a shape of my own. How dare I even consider it. I have containers to shape me. That should be good enough. I should be grateful for it. Imagine if I did not have containers, I would just float away into nothing. Nothing.

Of distant times and faraway places....

I was reading something the other day and the guy in the story, in an attempt to cheer his friend up, askes her to think of a happy place. Now some of you would take a while to think of what your happy place is, but I know instantly where mine is. It is where I did my post graduation. It is on the 2nd floor right outside the internet lab. I would stand there looking out of the metallic railing that ran across the entire corridor. If I looked down I saw the open quadrangle between the two buildings. Furthur down I would see long stretches of green grass and a flame of the forest tree in full bloom that sometimes you saw only the red. If I looked straight ahead of me about 200 feet away I would the steeple of the church. I would always stare at it for several minutes cos of the sheer beauty of the church

But that corridor, outside the internet lab was not my favorite place because of the church, or the trees, or the grass. When I stood there, which I did so many hundred times during my two years there, I felt like I belonged. I knew standing there that I could call, Adeona or Pacific Guy or Lucina or Drake and ask the standard question, "where are you?" and the answer would be "in the canteen", "at the library", "in the main lab".......... and not " I'm in california", "I'm in Dubai", "I'm in b'lore", "I'm in delhi". I knew when I stood there, that if I felt lonely even for a second all I had to do was run through the corridor, down the stiars and within minutes fall into the arms of a friend. I could go to the canteen and sit with Drake and both of us would play with those tazo's that came free with Cheetos. We would spin it on the table and see whose spun longer. Pacific Guy and I would sit next to each other in class and play word games or snake on our mobiles. If I ever lost at it (which was very rare) he would hold up his fingers in the shape of an L to his forehead and call me loser. Lucina and I would discuss the latest sale and about how bad it was, but still ended up spending a bomb. Adeona and I would lean against the pillars outside the building facing each other discusing the cutest guys in college.

When I stood there outside the internet lab I knew that my whole world was just a few minutes away, that my whole world was just a few feet away. I would stand there often holding on to those moments because even then I knew that those were the best moments of my life, that those two years will always be most exceptional years, and the reason for that was not the place itself but the people, who made that place, my happy place!

HELP!!!

My parents are trying to arrange my marriage.....now if you'll have stopped rolling your eyes you may continue reading. As I was saying, my parents have been looking for a boy for me for quite a while. Now you may be wondering if i'm ok with an arranged marriage. The answer is I am ok. Seriously. I was not ok with it for a long long time, but I have in the last year seen a few girl friends of mine have arranged marriages including Adeona and it has turned out so well for them, that I finally told my folks that I was ready. Now let me tell all of you who havent experienced this that it is REALLY DIFFICULT to find a decent guy from a decent family who lives in India. The matrimonial sites are hilarious. There was one guy whose only condition was that the girl MUST love dogs. He said it like 3 times in different places. THE GIRL MUST LOVE DOGS! Seriously you must love this guy. As for me I do love dogs, but not so crazy about dof obsessed guys. Then there was this other guy whose profile says..."i am an soft nature"......sorry but I didnt read beyond that! If at any time you find yourself completely bored with nothing to do, my suggestion would be for you'll to browse through a matrimonial site. Its a complete riot, I tell u!!!

So anyways last week, a guy mailed my parents saying he had seen my profile and had found it to be interesting. Before I continue, I must tell you that previous such interests have been shown to be by my parents and I have rejected it on the following counts [ Disclaimer : I'm going to come out of this looking very shallow and superficial :) ]

1) Too short
2) Earns less than me
3) He says "Everybody are" instead of " Everybody is"
4) Lives in some small town
5) Lives abroad
6) Doesnt read
7) Too boring
8) Too boring looking
9) Not a post graduate
10) NO SENSE OF HUMOR

So when my parents told me that there was a guy who had showed interest, I was sure he would fall somewhere in the above categories. But he did not. He is very smart. He has studied in some of the best institutes in the country. He is tall. He earns twice as much as I do. He lives in one of the best cities in the country, which is not far away from where I stay. He reads. A lot. He looks decent. He says "everybody is". He comes from a very decent family or "cultured" as my mom says. I have spoken to him and he seems very decent and sweet. I even met him.

But I felt nothing. I know I cant possibly feel anything on meeting someone for the first time. But I felt absolutely nothing that I dont even want to take this forward. I always thought that you would know it when you met the right person. Somewhere deep down you know. But i'm not sure now. My parents said they understand that I cant say anything now and so have asked me to meet him again. But I'm unsure. I can tell that he and his folks are very interested. I'm afraid that if I meet him again it will be miscontrued as interest on my part. On the other hand I'm worried that I'll be making a mistake by not giving it a chnace. What if i'm wrong? What if you dont feel anything for a long time and you slowly develop feelings for someone. In that case what if I say yes and I never develop feelings for him? In an arranged marriage scenario once you have said yes there is no going back. You will be hurting a lot of people if that happens. You also dont get too much time to decide in an arranged marriage. His parents have put no pressure at all on us but I know that after our next meeting we will have to decide. BUT I CANT!!!! I"M FREAKING OUT!!!....Can somebody who has had an arranged marriage please help!


For this reason i'm opening up my blog to the public again. So if any of you'll have friends who have had aaranged marriages, pls get them to leave a comment.

Who I really am.....

Some of you'll must be wondering why I went and made my blog private suddenly. Well, its because I freaked out. My stat counter showed me a reader from northern california, and one of my cousins is from that exact place and she herself has a blog and blog hops all the time. So when my stat counter showed me a reader from her city I flipped. I know the odds of it being her is really remote, but still, I'm going to keep it private untill the time I come to my senses after which I will open it to the public again. I'm really not ready for people I know to read my blog, cos some of the stuff here is very private. So private that I can let only complete strangers read :P.

I have always been a very private person by nature. I find it extremely difficult to open up to people completely.I can always crib about my job, share home problems with friends, but when it comes to actual feelings I bottle up. When PacificGuy and I started dating, I wanted the world to know. I wanted to tell all our friends, my friends and I wanted him to tell his friends. But PG didnt want to tell the others yet. Reason for that being, Adeona, who studied with us and was in my circle of friends. Adeona had feelings for PG since the beggining of college. After a while the 2 of them got quite close, but PG made it clear to her that he wasnt interested. Adeona and PG were considered a couple by most of my class, but they maintained that they were "just friends". In the meanwhile PG and I got along famously in college. We shared the same wavelength and appreciated each others sense of humor. We shared most classes together in the 2nd year and we got really close but never romantically. I never had feelings for PG, mostly because I knew how adeona felt about him. I did have a crush on him, but that was all it was, a crush. I didnt know then what was happening between the 2 of them.

After college, Adeona left for another city and PG and I were left in the same city as were quite a few of our other friends. We used to meet every weekend. 6 months after college, PacificGuy told me he had feelings for me. He said that he had always liked me, right from the beginning of college. By this time my small crush has bloomed into complete and foolish feelings for him and so when he told me this I swooned. I was giddy with happiness. This is when I wanted to tell everyone and PG told me that he wasnt yet ready to tell Adeona cos it would hurt her. I finally asked him what was happening between the both of them back in college and he said they were just good friends, but he did admit that Adeona used to have feelings for him. I told him then to tell Adeona about us and he said he would, but not right then. As they say, people in love are completely foolish and I shut my mouth, and didnt tell anyone.

PG and I dated for about 6 months and still he hadnt mustered up the courage to tell Adeona. By this time even foolish me started wondering why he wasnt able to tell Adeona about us. Adeona and he still spoke on the phone everyday. I simply didnt see why he couldnt tell her. This is when he started telling me that things did happen between both of them in college, but only because she wanted it to. I know I should have walked out that day but I didnt. We had our fights and I told I didnt believe what he said about her forcing him into a relationship. But I still stayed and hated myself for staying. I told him that we would have to soon tell Adeona cos the guilt was eating me up but he was never ready and he would just keep postponing. In the meanwhile Adeonas parents were trying to arrange her marriage, something that Adeona was open to. PG told me that he would tell her when she got engaged.

A few months later PG moved to another part of the country. By this time our already tumultous relationship was hitting rock bottom. We both decided that we would give this relationship (now long distance) 6 months, to decide if we wanted to commit. We spoke often through the 6 months but not often enough. When PG visited after 6 months, he said he needed more time. I wasnt ready to give him more time and I told him that I think it was time to call it off. There were several reasons for my decision.

I knew deep in my heart, that I would never be completely happy with PG. I could not deal with the long distance relationship anymore. But most of all I couldnt do it because of Adeona. How do I explian this to you. How do I explain 6 months in a few lines. But I must try and so I tell you, that Adeona and I in those 6 months became close and even closer after PG and I broke up. Of course Adeona doesnt know till today about PG and I. I know now that for all those months when I thought that it should be PG who told her about us cos they were closer, if at all Adeona should be told about it now, it should be me. But I didnt tell her and I never will, cos tdy Adeona's my best friend. My biggest fear is that she will find out about what will happen and I'll lose her. But she being the way she is I'm sure she'll forgive me, but I'm scared, what if she doesnt and for that I'm not willing to risk it. Besides there is no point. PG and I are history. We have'nt spoken decently since the beggining of this year and Adeonas happily married. So theres no pt in diggin up old graves.

And that ladies and gentlemen, is my sad sad story. Where I'm the selfish person who has betrayed her best friend. And everyday when I talk with Adeona, I cringe. Everytime she tries to make me feel better when I'm feeling down, every time she talks to me about her personal life I'm consumed with guilt. And theres nothing I can do about it. I just need to live with it. There is no penance. I have in the past always taken pride in the fact that if nothing at all, I'm a good friend, a good and loyal friend. But after this I can never say that about myself.
I
have often thought about all this and wondered how filmy the whole thing is. Actually so filmy that if u made this a movie it would flop cos people would think it was totally unreallestic. But then this is my story and I need you'll to know this, for you'll to know who I really am.

Nobody I know, knows about this. This is something I cannot bear to discuss with my friends, even with Pretty who is like my oldest and closest friend. This and for so many more reasons, I do not want anyone I know to find this blog.

How much longer....?

The most frustrating thing is to see people you know who are in love, making the same mistakes as you. You want to warn them of the impending heart ache. You want to tell the ones who are ready to commit that if their guy asks for time to commit, then walk out and walk out fast cos no amount of time is going to make him commit to the relationship. I want to scream at the women and shake them into reality when I see them going around with guys who can never commit, in hopes that one day they will change their minds.

I want to tell the ones who have just broken up that things will get better. That it hurts really bad in the beginning and for months afterward, but that one day, they will have gotten over it. That, that day they will see how wrong it was in the first place and how the break up was actually the best thing that happened to them.

I want to tell them that I totally understand how much they must miss their ex's right now, but that sometime in the future the feeling of emptiness will dissappear. I want to tell them to take a look at me, that I was were they are right now, to see that I do not need him anymore, that I am happy.

I have almost walked up to people to talk to them, but then I hesitate, because on some mornings I still wake up thinking about him. There are still days that I wish I was with him, that in spite of convincing myself that he was not right for me, I still occasionally wonder if I will ever be happy with anyone else. Maybe I just need a little more time. Maybe I need a lot more time.

This morning, I got up to comfort the girl who sits on the other side of my cubicle, who has just broken up with her boyfriend. I thought I'd tell her that I understand her pain, that whatever has happened has happened for the best, that the pain will soon start fading. But what if she asks me how long it takes to get better? I could tell her, not long, but I'm scared my face will give away something she does'nt want to hear. I'm scared, because, I thought I had all the answers but turns out I have none. I'm scared for me, for her, and for everyone else who is where I am. I had started walking towards her desk, but I faltered, stopped, turned and walked back to my desk.

***written 2 days ago

The story of my life...

This post is about my friend Pretty. Pretty as her name suggests is very pretty. Pretty and I did 3 years of undergrad together and then went our separate ways for post grad and since last May work at the same office. I have known Pretty for about 8 years now and I almost dont realise her prettiness any more.

As a child and ever since I had seen Mr India, I wished that I too could somehow find a magic bracelet that would make me invisible. That childhood wish of mine came true through Pretty. We would stroll through malls together and in the very instant a guy passed us I would turn invisible. Seriously, you could just see all eyes turn towards Pretty and this one time this guy even bumped into a mannequin in the process. I kid you not. Anyhoo, once we had walked out of the Ogling Zone, Pretty would turn to me and say, " Terra! Did you see all those guys checking you out??!!??". I would of course on hearing this, want to dunk her head in cold water, but I tell you, this turning invisible and visible thing is exhausting and I usually just manage a "Yeah sure!"


When you have a friend who is like Pretty, you suddenly find that all the guys, who barely managed a smile at you before, wanting to be your best friend. Me being me, have tried to milk the situation as much as possible. So to all those guys who ask for an intro, or her phone no, I, through these subtle and not so subtle hints let them know that I may just concede if they were really nice to me. Boys will be boys and I soon had half the office eating out my hand. Many a chair has been offered, many a lunch has been bought, and much respect has been recieved.

The situation was then discussed with Pretty, but horror of horrors, I was not permitted to give her phone no to all the men who are nice to me. Of course no convincing reason was given, just a cursorily "I'm not intrested in any of the ones you mentioned".

Meanwhile, all nice boys started getting restless and slowly said that it was time for me to actually start adhering to the unwritten SLA. As you can see the situation was starting to get outa hand and so your ever intelligent writer proposed a disaster mangement plan to Pretty. I would tell all the guys, that Pretty has started seeing someone else, but Pretty (who btw, I have come to realise is not that great a friend) wouldnt hear of it. She actually wants to keep her options open. YES! even at the cost of her dear friends life.

The condition since has deteriorated greatly and yours truly is now wanted in most departments. Much of office time is spent in avoiding aforementioned nice guys who as you would have guessed are not so nice after all. The stress and anxiety levels have increased and one is often found browsing job sites and stalking consultants. Fleeing the country is also on the cards. All help in this regard would be much appreciated. Will post updates on this later, since some urgent ducking under the desk needs to be done. Sigh....the woes of having a pretty friend I tell you!

Temporarily Forever...

What makes people fall out of love with each other? How does it happen? What is it that leads you to it? How long does it take for you to completely stop having feelings for him/her?
Why is it that sometimes couples who have been together for years, couples who have started a family together, couples who swore that they would be together forever, decide to throw everything away and move in opposite directions.

Why is it that though they are hurting inside, they feel that being away is the best option.

Why is it that people who love each other so much that they are willing to make a commitment to spend the rest of their lives together, suddenly find themselves wondering what they ever saw in each other in the first place. How is it that one is supposed to believe the institution of marriage where she can only see failed marriages.

Five of her parents siblings have had failed marriages. Marriages that have ended in messy ugly divorces. She has seen her beautiful, full of life cousin been reduced to pieces as a result of a traumatic marriage. Her own parents have had rocky periods through their almost 30 year marriage.

Tell me, how is she supposed to believe in that perfect soulmate when men have broken her hearts so many times. What will make her willing to take that kinda risk?


Who will be make her take a step towards something she has no faith in? Who?

DeWhine Intervention!

You know how sometimes you talk to God and then suddenly you picture yourself as a part of the universe and you feel really small, insignificant and ridiculous to believe that God is actually listening to you. I mean, like he does'nt have bigger problems to listen to rather than hear you rant about having a bad hair day.

But on the contrary, God does seem to be quite jobless (By this I do not mean I've stopped having bad hair days). You know how they say God has a wicked sense of humor ( which I was until recently quite sure, a rumor that he himself started to make him seem cooler), well, I have experienced it first hand. You laugh dont you, but I have concrete proof, to prove that not only does God listen to me, but he also screws around with me. I mean at this very moment, He is up there chuckling to himself and patting himself on the back and saying, "Man you are too good!."

To those who snigger I present empirical evidence below :

Evidence I
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As you know, (assuming atleast one person reads my blog) I have been whining about my job. Apparently He thought this would be good place to provide evidence to the truth of his rumor. So I'm all, "I hate my job and it cant get worse than this" and WHAM!.....it gets worse! My boss is quitting and this all time bitch, the mother of all bitches, the one woman whom none of us can stand is most probably going to take his place. NO!!!!! I'M NOT SAYING IT CAN'T GET WORSE!!!

Evidence II
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For the last one week I have been attending a training program. Normally I go to work at 11 am, but my training starts at 9am. So for a whole week I have to get up with the birds (yes in my part of the world, birds wake up at 7:30). I have had to literally drag myself out of bed and fight the urge to snooze my alarm. So everyone of these days, I have been thinking, "just wait till saturday.....you dont even have to set the alarm". Ah! so again our Man, is rubbing his hands in delight at the beautiful opportunity that has presented itself and WHAM!..... I get a mail saying that we have a meet with the business head at...brace yourself.....here it comes....8 FREAKING O' clock!!! I mean, who, who I ask, wants to meet at 8 am. I mean if this is not empirical evidence then nothing is I tell you.


So You, please hear me out loud and clear! I'm not in any way challenging you, ok? I now know that you DO have a wicked sense of humor, ok? I have even said so on the WORLD WIDE WEB. Now this may not be too big a medium considering the scope of everything that comes under your purview, but down here it is DAMN big ok?

Now quit using my life as a playing ground and find someone else you can pick on. Capiche?

Far, far away...

Far, far away
I see us.
We are happy,
There is laughter.
Yes I can hear it even from a distance

Far, far away,
I see us.
We are all together.
Far far away,
We are unaware,
How far, far away we really are.

Why?

Why is it that when all I wanted was you,
You took off, without a thought?

Why is it that when I need to be away,
You beg me to stay?

Random Thoughts...

1) I got myself burgundy highlights and my boss asked my if it was henna. Like I have grey hair and I need to put henna to hide it

2) I have one grey hair so far.

3) Best friend leaving for the US this week. Dont know when I'll see her again

4) Decided to live for self than to be there for a friend. Have I become that self absorbed?

5) Fought with mom or rather she fought with me. Havent spoken to her in 2 days.

6) Hated job for last 4 months and now suddenly there is a new found enthusiasm for work.

7) Ate at McD in b'lore a fortnight back and got the donkey toy which says "Shreeeeek", "Are we there yet??" and "Peek-a-boo".

8) Just realised that I havent done this writing in points thing since b-school.

9) You think you'll be in love with someone forever, and one day you realise that you have fallen out of love and you are a little disappointed with yourself.

10) Its 1:30 in the morning and I need to be at work before 10:00 am tommorrow.

Good Bye...

I have tried several times this week to write about the first half of this month, but somehow I havent been able to bring myself to put my feelings into words. Words sometimes tend to give much more reality to a situation. Its like everything you pen down suddenly becomes much more real when compared to when they were just thoughts.
I wonder how it is that people who enter your lives after you have walked this planet for such a long time, become as important to you as your family, whom you have know since the time you were born. How can people who were total strangers one day be able to touch your life in such a way that when they go away, they take a part of you along with them.
Last week my best friend got married. I spent the last week of her bachelorette life with her. We did what we always do. We shopped for clothes, we discussed books, watched movies, laughed, shared our dreams about our future and wondered if we could be friends forever. We worried, like we have been for the last 6 months, if distance was going to be in the way of us being there for each other. This considering that she is moving to the US with her husband. Yesterday I had to say goodbye to her. Yesterday I did what I hate doing the most. I hate goodbyes. I know everyone hates goodbyes, but trust me I hate it more than normal people. Left to me I would like to have all my friends in the same apartment. I hate it when my friends move to different cities to pursue new jobs. When my friends make the decision to move they are most scared to tell me. This is because I get really mad and give them the silent treatment for days to come. When one of my friends got a job abroad last year, I hid his passport for 2 whole weeks and refused to give it back. Finally one of my friends had to "steal" it from my bag and give it back to him. So now you probably get how much I hate losing friends to other cities.
But last night saying goodbye to A was the toughest thing I have done in a while. Tougher this time cos all the previous times when my friends left me I hated them. I hated them for leaving me with such ease. I would dramatise and curse and say things like " I'll never forgive you for leaving me!!!". But yesterday was different. I'm so happy for A. I see how much in love she is with M and nothing gives you more happiness than seeing your friends happy ( happy with a new job abroad does not count!!!).
And so this goodbye was tougher cos I couldnt in my usual way distract my pain with anger.

I'm Tired

I'm tired of feeling insignificant.
I'm tired of being a noone.
I'm tired of not meaning anything to anyone.
I'm tired of being hurt.
I'm tired of hating my job.
I'm tired of feeling guilty.
I'm tired of wanting to be wanted.
I'm tired of being mediocre.
I'm tired of being unlucky.
I'm tired of losing the people I love.
I'm tired of nothing good ever hapenning.
I'm tired of my prayers going unanswered.
I'm tired of waking up every morning.
I'm tired of life.

The phones are ringing,
The fax machines crying,
The musics playing,
The voices are loud,
Laughter surrounds.

My minds wandering,
To the times of togetherness.
When laughter came from within.
From a long time ago I come back to the present
A present filled with sounds of silence.

"Happy" Birthday?

So the other day I was driving back from work when the radio started playing Bryan Adams' "18 Till I Die". Now you should understand that I can totally relate to this song cos I belong to this breed of people who dread birthdays (only mine....I love my friends's birthdays....wat the heck...I like cake!) .....The run up to my birthday usually has me moping around the place whining about how old I am and how I have done nothing with my life. My depression and frustration reaches its high on the actual morning of my birthday when people wish me with their happy faces (which I construe is because they are secretly jubilous bout me becoming one year older!) and it takes all my strength to not punch someone. Now the worst part is when I'm in all my mourning over the loss of my previous year and some moron asks me for a treat. TREAT!!!! U WANNA TREAT!!! I'M ONE STEP CLOSER TO MY GRAVE AND THATS REASON TO CELEBRATE!!! By this time I've decided that I have the patience of a saint to have gone through half the day surrounded by such insensitive jerks and not used violence once. Thankfully I cheer up considerably in the evening cos somehow my friends have managed the suprise party (Yes there is always cake!)....and me having been blinded by sorrow have always been "suprised" although on thinking back the clues were all there. They truly need to get better at organizing suprise parties. So this has been my birthday story every year since I turned 21, up until my last birthday when I turned 25.

Coming back to the present, me in my car, listening to "18 till I die", I started thinking of how my life was when I was 18. I was studying B.Com, which was a nightmare, I had no money. I had no car. I had no idea what I would become, where and If I would do my PG, what sort of a job I would have. I remembered distinctly how worried I was at 18 about my future, how not confident I was. Then I thought about how my life is now. I have money. I have a job. I have people reporting into me at work (Yipee! I actually get to boss people around). I have a car. I have many more friends and have much more fun and I most certainly dont have a curfew. Then it hit me, after all these years of wishing I was 18, that I hated being 18. I love my life now, ok maybe not love (my boss's face just flashed by) but definately like it more now and would not trade it for any other stage in my life. So what if it took me more than 4 years to figure that out. The point is I finally did. So I'm hoping that my 26th birthday will be different, that I wont want to punch anyone and who knows I may actually take the jerks out for lunch.

Dear God

As mysterious as your ways may be, to me they seem crystal clear!

To My Best Friend

You are my friend,
And I'm yours.
We learnt together
And together we unlearnt.
You are more than I could ask for,
Even when I asked for a lot.
You were there when I needed you,
You were there when I didnt
Its you I call,
Whether sick, blue or happy.
Its you I call,
At all times.
You are my best friend,
And that is why its so hard,
To tell you, that I havent been yours,
That I shouldnt be yours,
That you deserve better,
Cos I've let you down,
And if ever I summon the courage
To tell you the truth,
Of all that I've been hiding
And if ever I summon the courage,
To show who I really am
That day I shall lose you
That day forever.

Nothing but Love

I have no soul.
I have no pride.
I have no faith.
There is no truth.

I have no will.
I'm emptier still.
I want to hate.
Yes, I must hate.

You took them all.
You left me with nothing.
I want to hate, I know I must.
So why did u leave me, my love for you?

So far...

I have been using live journal but a friend recommended blogspot since it has better features.
My blog on live journal can be read at http://soundsnsilence.livejournal.com/. And so at blogspot I continue from where I left at Live Journal.