I feel fluid. I feel like I take the shape of whatever I'm put into. I dont have a shape of my own. I dont have the right to have a shape of my own. How dare I even consider it. I have containers to shape me. That should be good enough. I should be grateful for it. Imagine if I did not have containers, I would just float away into nothing. Nothing.
I was reading something the other day and the guy in the story, in an attempt to cheer his friend up, askes her to think of a happy place. Now some of you would take a while to think of what your happy place is, but I know instantly where mine is. It is where I did my post graduation. It is on the 2nd floor right outside the internet lab. I would stand there looking out of the metallic railing that ran across the entire corridor. If I looked down I saw the open quadrangle between the two buildings. Furthur down I would see long stretches of green grass and a flame of the forest tree in full bloom that sometimes you saw only the red. If I looked straight ahead of me about 200 feet away I would the steeple of the church. I would always stare at it for several minutes cos of the sheer beauty of the church
But that corridor, outside the internet lab was not my favorite place because of the church, or the trees, or the grass. When I stood there, which I did so many hundred times during my two years there, I felt like I belonged. I knew standing there that I could call, Adeona or Pacific Guy or Lucina or Drake and ask the standard question, "where are you?" and the answer would be "in the canteen", "at the library", "in the main lab".......... and not " I'm in california", "I'm in Dubai", "I'm in b'lore", "I'm in delhi". I knew when I stood there, that if I felt lonely even for a second all I had to do was run through the corridor, down the stiars and within minutes fall into the arms of a friend. I could go to the canteen and sit with Drake and both of us would play with those tazo's that came free with Cheetos. We would spin it on the table and see whose spun longer. Pacific Guy and I would sit next to each other in class and play word games or snake on our mobiles. If I ever lost at it (which was very rare) he would hold up his fingers in the shape of an L to his forehead and call me loser. Lucina and I would discuss the latest sale and about how bad it was, but still ended up spending a bomb. Adeona and I would lean against the pillars outside the building facing each other discusing the cutest guys in college.
When I stood there outside the internet lab I knew that my whole world was just a few minutes away, that my whole world was just a few feet away. I would stand there often holding on to those moments because even then I knew that those were the best moments of my life, that those two years will always be most exceptional years, and the reason for that was not the place itself but the people, who made that place, my happy place!
My parents are trying to arrange my marriage.....now if you'll have stopped rolling your eyes you may continue reading. As I was saying, my parents have been looking for a boy for me for quite a while. Now you may be wondering if i'm ok with an arranged marriage. The answer is I am ok. Seriously. I was not ok with it for a long long time, but I have in the last year seen a few girl friends of mine have arranged marriages including Adeona and it has turned out so well for them, that I finally told my folks that I was ready. Now let me tell all of you who havent experienced this that it is REALLY DIFFICULT to find a decent guy from a decent family who lives in India. The matrimonial sites are hilarious. There was one guy whose only condition was that the girl MUST love dogs. He said it like 3 times in different places. THE GIRL MUST LOVE DOGS! Seriously you must love this guy. As for me I do love dogs, but not so crazy about dof obsessed guys. Then there was this other guy whose profile says..."i am an soft nature"......sorry but I didnt read beyond that! If at any time you find yourself completely bored with nothing to do, my suggestion would be for you'll to browse through a matrimonial site. Its a complete riot, I tell u!!!
So anyways last week, a guy mailed my parents saying he had seen my profile and had found it to be interesting. Before I continue, I must tell you that previous such interests have been shown to be by my parents and I have rejected it on the following counts [ Disclaimer : I'm going to come out of this looking very shallow and superficial :) ]
1) Too short
2) Earns less than me
3) He says "Everybody are" instead of " Everybody is"
4) Lives in some small town
5) Lives abroad
6) Doesnt read
7) Too boring
8) Too boring looking
9) Not a post graduate
10) NO SENSE OF HUMOR
So when my parents told me that there was a guy who had showed interest, I was sure he would fall somewhere in the above categories. But he did not. He is very smart. He has studied in some of the best institutes in the country. He is tall. He earns twice as much as I do. He lives in one of the best cities in the country, which is not far away from where I stay. He reads. A lot. He looks decent. He says "everybody is". He comes from a very decent family or "cultured" as my mom says. I have spoken to him and he seems very decent and sweet. I even met him.
But I felt nothing. I know I cant possibly feel anything on meeting someone for the first time. But I felt absolutely nothing that I dont even want to take this forward. I always thought that you would know it when you met the right person. Somewhere deep down you know. But i'm not sure now. My parents said they understand that I cant say anything now and so have asked me to meet him again. But I'm unsure. I can tell that he and his folks are very interested. I'm afraid that if I meet him again it will be miscontrued as interest on my part. On the other hand I'm worried that I'll be making a mistake by not giving it a chnace. What if i'm wrong? What if you dont feel anything for a long time and you slowly develop feelings for someone. In that case what if I say yes and I never develop feelings for him? In an arranged marriage scenario once you have said yes there is no going back. You will be hurting a lot of people if that happens. You also dont get too much time to decide in an arranged marriage. His parents have put no pressure at all on us but I know that after our next meeting we will have to decide. BUT I CANT!!!! I"M FREAKING OUT!!!....Can somebody who has had an arranged marriage please help!
For this reason i'm opening up my blog to the public again. So if any of you'll have friends who have had aaranged marriages, pls get them to leave a comment.
Some of you'll must be wondering why I went and made my blog private suddenly. Well, its because I freaked out. My stat counter showed me a reader from northern california, and one of my cousins is from that exact place and she herself has a blog and blog hops all the time. So when my stat counter showed me a reader from her city I flipped. I know the odds of it being her is really remote, but still, I'm going to keep it private untill the time I come to my senses after which I will open it to the public again. I'm really not ready for people I know to read my blog, cos some of the stuff here is very private. So private that I can let only complete strangers read :P.
I have always been a very private person by nature. I find it extremely difficult to open up to people completely.I can always crib about my job, share home problems with friends, but when it comes to actual feelings I bottle up. When PacificGuy and I started dating, I wanted the world to know. I wanted to tell all our friends, my friends and I wanted him to tell his friends. But PG didnt want to tell the others yet. Reason for that being, Adeona, who studied with us and was in my circle of friends. Adeona had feelings for PG since the beggining of college. After a while the 2 of them got quite close, but PG made it clear to her that he wasnt interested. Adeona and PG were considered a couple by most of my class, but they maintained that they were "just friends". In the meanwhile PG and I got along famously in college. We shared the same wavelength and appreciated each others sense of humor. We shared most classes together in the 2nd year and we got really close but never romantically. I never had feelings for PG, mostly because I knew how adeona felt about him. I did have a crush on him, but that was all it was, a crush. I didnt know then what was happening between the 2 of them.
After college, Adeona left for another city and PG and I were left in the same city as were quite a few of our other friends. We used to meet every weekend. 6 months after college, PacificGuy told me he had feelings for me. He said that he had always liked me, right from the beginning of college. By this time my small crush has bloomed into complete and foolish feelings for him and so when he told me this I swooned. I was giddy with happiness. This is when I wanted to tell everyone and PG told me that he wasnt yet ready to tell Adeona cos it would hurt her. I finally asked him what was happening between the both of them back in college and he said they were just good friends, but he did admit that Adeona used to have feelings for him. I told him then to tell Adeona about us and he said he would, but not right then. As they say, people in love are completely foolish and I shut my mouth, and didnt tell anyone.
PG and I dated for about 6 months and still he hadnt mustered up the courage to tell Adeona. By this time even foolish me started wondering why he wasnt able to tell Adeona about us. Adeona and he still spoke on the phone everyday. I simply didnt see why he couldnt tell her. This is when he started telling me that things did happen between both of them in college, but only because she wanted it to. I know I should have walked out that day but I didnt. We had our fights and I told I didnt believe what he said about her forcing him into a relationship. But I still stayed and hated myself for staying. I told him that we would have to soon tell Adeona cos the guilt was eating me up but he was never ready and he would just keep postponing. In the meanwhile Adeonas parents were trying to arrange her marriage, something that Adeona was open to. PG told me that he would tell her when she got engaged.
A few months later PG moved to another part of the country. By this time our already tumultous relationship was hitting rock bottom. We both decided that we would give this relationship (now long distance) 6 months, to decide if we wanted to commit. We spoke often through the 6 months but not often enough. When PG visited after 6 months, he said he needed more time. I wasnt ready to give him more time and I told him that I think it was time to call it off. There were several reasons for my decision.
I knew deep in my heart, that I would never be completely happy with PG. I could not deal with the long distance relationship anymore. But most of all I couldnt do it because of Adeona. How do I explian this to you. How do I explain 6 months in a few lines. But I must try and so I tell you, that Adeona and I in those 6 months became close and even closer after PG and I broke up. Of course Adeona doesnt know till today about PG and I. I know now that for all those months when I thought that it should be PG who told her about us cos they were closer, if at all Adeona should be told about it now, it should be me. But I didnt tell her and I never will, cos tdy Adeona's my best friend. My biggest fear is that she will find out about what will happen and I'll lose her. But she being the way she is I'm sure she'll forgive me, but I'm scared, what if she doesnt and for that I'm not willing to risk it. Besides there is no point. PG and I are history. We have'nt spoken decently since the beggining of this year and Adeonas happily married. So theres no pt in diggin up old graves.
And that ladies and gentlemen, is my sad sad story. Where I'm the selfish person who has betrayed her best friend. And everyday when I talk with Adeona, I cringe. Everytime she tries to make me feel better when I'm feeling down, every time she talks to me about her personal life I'm consumed with guilt. And theres nothing I can do about it. I just need to live with it. There is no penance. I have in the past always taken pride in the fact that if nothing at all, I'm a good friend, a good and loyal friend. But after this I can never say that about myself.
I
have often thought about all this and wondered how filmy the whole thing is. Actually so filmy that if u made this a movie it would flop cos people would think it was totally unreallestic. But then this is my story and I need you'll to know this, for you'll to know who I really am.
Nobody I know, knows about this. This is something I cannot bear to discuss with my friends, even with Pretty who is like my oldest and closest friend. This and for so many more reasons, I do not want anyone I know to find this blog.
The most frustrating thing is to see people you know who are in love, making the same mistakes as you. You want to warn them of the impending heart ache. You want to tell the ones who are ready to commit that if their guy asks for time to commit, then walk out and walk out fast cos no amount of time is going to make him commit to the relationship. I want to scream at the women and shake them into reality when I see them going around with guys who can never commit, in hopes that one day they will change their minds.
I want to tell the ones who have just broken up that things will get better. That it hurts really bad in the beginning and for months afterward, but that one day, they will have gotten over it. That, that day they will see how wrong it was in the first place and how the break up was actually the best thing that happened to them.
I want to tell them that I totally understand how much they must miss their ex's right now, but that sometime in the future the feeling of emptiness will dissappear. I want to tell them to take a look at me, that I was were they are right now, to see that I do not need him anymore, that I am happy.
I have almost walked up to people to talk to them, but then I hesitate, because on some mornings I still wake up thinking about him. There are still days that I wish I was with him, that in spite of convincing myself that he was not right for me, I still occasionally wonder if I will ever be happy with anyone else. Maybe I just need a little more time. Maybe I need a lot more time.
This morning, I got up to comfort the girl who sits on the other side of my cubicle, who has just broken up with her boyfriend. I thought I'd tell her that I understand her pain, that whatever has happened has happened for the best, that the pain will soon start fading. But what if she asks me how long it takes to get better? I could tell her, not long, but I'm scared my face will give away something she does'nt want to hear. I'm scared, because, I thought I had all the answers but turns out I have none. I'm scared for me, for her, and for everyone else who is where I am. I had started walking towards her desk, but I faltered, stopped, turned and walked back to my desk.
***written 2 days ago
This post is about my friend Pretty. Pretty as her name suggests is very pretty. Pretty and I did 3 years of undergrad together and then went our separate ways for post grad and since last May work at the same office. I have known Pretty for about 8 years now and I almost dont realise her prettiness any more.
As a child and ever since I had seen Mr India, I wished that I too could somehow find a magic bracelet that would make me invisible. That childhood wish of mine came true through Pretty. We would stroll through malls together and in the very instant a guy passed us I would turn invisible. Seriously, you could just see all eyes turn towards Pretty and this one time this guy even bumped into a mannequin in the process. I kid you not. Anyhoo, once we had walked out of the Ogling Zone, Pretty would turn to me and say, " Terra! Did you see all those guys checking you out??!!??". I would of course on hearing this, want to dunk her head in cold water, but I tell you, this turning invisible and visible thing is exhausting and I usually just manage a "Yeah sure!"
When you have a friend who is like Pretty, you suddenly find that all the guys, who barely managed a smile at you before, wanting to be your best friend. Me being me, have tried to milk the situation as much as possible. So to all those guys who ask for an intro, or her phone no, I, through these subtle and not so subtle hints let them know that I may just concede if they were really nice to me. Boys will be boys and I soon had half the office eating out my hand. Many a chair has been offered, many a lunch has been bought, and much respect has been recieved.
The situation was then discussed with Pretty, but horror of horrors, I was not permitted to give her phone no to all the men who are nice to me. Of course no convincing reason was given, just a cursorily "I'm not intrested in any of the ones you mentioned".
Meanwhile, all nice boys started getting restless and slowly said that it was time for me to actually start adhering to the unwritten SLA. As you can see the situation was starting to get outa hand and so your ever intelligent writer proposed a disaster mangement plan to Pretty. I would tell all the guys, that Pretty has started seeing someone else, but Pretty (who btw, I have come to realise is not that great a friend) wouldnt hear of it. She actually wants to keep her options open. YES! even at the cost of her dear friends life.
The condition since has deteriorated greatly and yours truly is now wanted in most departments. Much of office time is spent in avoiding aforementioned nice guys who as you would have guessed are not so nice after all. The stress and anxiety levels have increased and one is often found browsing job sites and stalking consultants. Fleeing the country is also on the cards. All help in this regard would be much appreciated. Will post updates on this later, since some urgent ducking under the desk needs to be done. Sigh....the woes of having a pretty friend I tell you!
