Helloooo! Anybody still here?

Hellooooo! Anybody still here?

Goodbye 2007

As another year comes to an end I cant help but wonder about how wasted this whole year was. This year was destined to be one of the worst. I mean it started with a break up. Yes, we broke up on Jan 1st, four hours into the new year and its been pretty much downhill since then. When I look back on my life years from now, I'll always remember 2007.

But I think I grew up the most this year. Ive realised not only how wrong I can be about people but about how wrong I was about myself. I have been the best friend and the worst friend all in a year. In a lot of ways this was the lonliest year. I have discovered what my priorities truly are. That all that I thought would make me happy actually dont. I would even go so far as to say that they turned out to cause more grief than anything.

This new years, I have decided to lay low. Am gonna spend it at home, with my family. New years with family means we go to the temple close by at 12 and then we go to sleep. New years with friends means partying the whole night. This year I choose the temple.

So thats my epitaph for the year. I hope and pray that 2008 is way better for me and for everyone reading this. Take care y'all.

Revenge is sweet...

or that is what I have believed all my life. When I have really disliked someone, I have often fantasized about doing bad things to them or hoping that something bad would happen to them. That doesnt mean I'm planning murder. I mean simple things like they would do a test badly for example. Of course I never acted on this, but fondly played them out in my head. But there were very few people I have genuinely hated, so this didnt happen too often. Maybe through all my student life there were about 3 people for whom I felt this way. Then there soon came another category of people on whom I seeked revenge. These were the people who hurt me really deeply. They hurt me, so I hurt them back. When poet boy hurt me way back when I was only 17, I hurt him back. I would be as mean as possible to him and never had anything nice to say to him. He tried for a long time and finally I had just pushed him so far, that he gave up. And when he we broke up he didnt not have to feel any guilt cos I had hurt him back equally if not more. And it felt good.

And so whenever people asked me if I believed in revenge, I have nodded in the affirmative.

But I dont know if its because of age, or if I have become weaker or maybe because the ability to love someone has increased infinitely in the last decade, revenge does not seem sweet anymore. Pacific Guy hurt me more than anyone else has and for a long time all I wanted to do was hurt him back, to show him that I didnt care, that I did not want anything to do with him. The words come easily to me, but I hold back. For everything he says I have a comeback, one that would hurt,but instead I stop myself. I feel incapable of hurting him. Something inside doesnt allow me to. And all this pent up feelings I would imagine would make me feel frustrated, but for some strange reason I, instead feel at peace. When on those rare occasions I am really rude, it doesnt feel good at all. Far from it.

And it feels so strange and confusing. Shouldnt I hate the person who broke me? Shouldnt I want to break him too?

Revenge is bitter.....I have learnt that...But why am I not bitter?

Ok people! As you'll can see, if you have been paying attention to the right hand side of my blog, I havent read a book in the longest time. All I have been reading is Asterix, Asterix and more Asterix. Can you'll pls recommend some good books to read. No romance and no science fiction please.

Faaaaaaaast!

Saawariya

By the way, I saw Saawariya on Friday.

No, I'm not going to do a review of the movie, cos that would mean having to relieve the experience of watching the movie.

So I have only one word for the movie : Excrutiating

Please do not watch it.

No. Not even to see how bad it is.

If inspite of this you are going to watch it, dont say I didnt warn you'll!

Its a beautiful November afternoon. My computer is near the window and the breeze is flowing into my room in the most awesome manner. I havent posted in a long time, but that doesnt mean I have been upto nothing.

A lot has been happening including at the work front. From the time I joined this place I have been waiting for a promotion and when it came it didnt feel like much at all. In fact I felt absolutely nothing when I was given the news. Along with the promotion comes a very challenging role with a much bigger team. I know I must be thrilled. I dont understand this.

Pacific guy and I have started speaking. It started a few days after my bday. and ever since we have been speaking almost everyday. Its not like anything is going to happen. We both know that and its not like any of us want anything to happen. When I started talking to him I promised myself I wouldnt let myself get hurt and I think I have succeded. I mean, he has even told me that he regrets not having commited to Adeona. Ok it cut like a knife when I heard him say that but I recovered quickly. He even tells me sometimes that he is depressed and when I ask why, he says its cos he misses her. Again it cuts like a knife but I think I'm beggining to get immune to the pain.

I know you'll must be wondering why I'm talking to him. I know I would if I were reading this. I know I would consider me to be pretty brainless to be doing this, but really I'm not that stupid, atleast when it comes to such things. I mean I did stop talking to him for almost a year and I started only cos I thought I was over him and I can handle it. And I'm handling it, I think. I doubt he can hurt me. But then I wonder sometimes how inspite of nothing really changing in my life, I seem to have suddenly found happiness in the last 2 months. And then I'm not so sure anymore.

The pain came suddenly. It started in her stomach and within seconds engulfed her entire body. The pain was so extreme that she fell to the floor curled up hugging herself. And just when the intensity of the pain increased to a point where the moans were to turn into screams, it disappeared. The pain vanished as quickly and suddenly as it came. As she rose gingerly to her feet, the relief she felt, almost immediately turned into disappointment.

She realized with the familiar tightening in her chest, that now that the writhing pain had subsided, she had to deal with the other kind of pain that she had had to bear for the last two years. The pain of loss and lonliness.

Thus began the bouts of self-infliction

I know a boy who makes me laugh.
I know a boy who loves animals.
I know a boy who is a wonderful friend.
I know a boy who a very good brother
And an even better son.
I know a boy who will help you,
Even if it means he gets into trouble for it.
I know a boy, who takes great pain,
To make every birthday special for you.
I know a boy who will spend all the money he has earned,
In buying gifts for his friends.
I know a boy who has the brownest eyes,
And the sweetest smile.
I know a boy who would never break my heart.
I know a boy, I know nothing about.

The Wait

A myriad thoughts were floating through his mind as he waited for her to enter into the room. Will she ignore him? Will she stab him with her words? Will she look at him like she did the last time, so many months ago, her face awashed with disappointment? Will he be able to take any of those reactions? Wasnt it punishment enough to have had to stay away from her for so long?

Suddenly she appeared, searching, her eyes quickly landed on him. As she walked towards him, his mind swam with all those thoughts, and then, suddenly, she quickened her steps and landed with her arms around him. "Did you miss me?", she asked her eyes shining. "More than you'll ever know " was all he managed to say.