Who I really am.....

Some of you'll must be wondering why I went and made my blog private suddenly. Well, its because I freaked out. My stat counter showed me a reader from northern california, and one of my cousins is from that exact place and she herself has a blog and blog hops all the time. So when my stat counter showed me a reader from her city I flipped. I know the odds of it being her is really remote, but still, I'm going to keep it private untill the time I come to my senses after which I will open it to the public again. I'm really not ready for people I know to read my blog, cos some of the stuff here is very private. So private that I can let only complete strangers read :P.

I have always been a very private person by nature. I find it extremely difficult to open up to people completely.I can always crib about my job, share home problems with friends, but when it comes to actual feelings I bottle up. When PacificGuy and I started dating, I wanted the world to know. I wanted to tell all our friends, my friends and I wanted him to tell his friends. But PG didnt want to tell the others yet. Reason for that being, Adeona, who studied with us and was in my circle of friends. Adeona had feelings for PG since the beggining of college. After a while the 2 of them got quite close, but PG made it clear to her that he wasnt interested. Adeona and PG were considered a couple by most of my class, but they maintained that they were "just friends". In the meanwhile PG and I got along famously in college. We shared the same wavelength and appreciated each others sense of humor. We shared most classes together in the 2nd year and we got really close but never romantically. I never had feelings for PG, mostly because I knew how adeona felt about him. I did have a crush on him, but that was all it was, a crush. I didnt know then what was happening between the 2 of them.

After college, Adeona left for another city and PG and I were left in the same city as were quite a few of our other friends. We used to meet every weekend. 6 months after college, PacificGuy told me he had feelings for me. He said that he had always liked me, right from the beginning of college. By this time my small crush has bloomed into complete and foolish feelings for him and so when he told me this I swooned. I was giddy with happiness. This is when I wanted to tell everyone and PG told me that he wasnt yet ready to tell Adeona cos it would hurt her. I finally asked him what was happening between the both of them back in college and he said they were just good friends, but he did admit that Adeona used to have feelings for him. I told him then to tell Adeona about us and he said he would, but not right then. As they say, people in love are completely foolish and I shut my mouth, and didnt tell anyone.

PG and I dated for about 6 months and still he hadnt mustered up the courage to tell Adeona. By this time even foolish me started wondering why he wasnt able to tell Adeona about us. Adeona and he still spoke on the phone everyday. I simply didnt see why he couldnt tell her. This is when he started telling me that things did happen between both of them in college, but only because she wanted it to. I know I should have walked out that day but I didnt. We had our fights and I told I didnt believe what he said about her forcing him into a relationship. But I still stayed and hated myself for staying. I told him that we would have to soon tell Adeona cos the guilt was eating me up but he was never ready and he would just keep postponing. In the meanwhile Adeonas parents were trying to arrange her marriage, something that Adeona was open to. PG told me that he would tell her when she got engaged.

A few months later PG moved to another part of the country. By this time our already tumultous relationship was hitting rock bottom. We both decided that we would give this relationship (now long distance) 6 months, to decide if we wanted to commit. We spoke often through the 6 months but not often enough. When PG visited after 6 months, he said he needed more time. I wasnt ready to give him more time and I told him that I think it was time to call it off. There were several reasons for my decision.

I knew deep in my heart, that I would never be completely happy with PG. I could not deal with the long distance relationship anymore. But most of all I couldnt do it because of Adeona. How do I explian this to you. How do I explain 6 months in a few lines. But I must try and so I tell you, that Adeona and I in those 6 months became close and even closer after PG and I broke up. Of course Adeona doesnt know till today about PG and I. I know now that for all those months when I thought that it should be PG who told her about us cos they were closer, if at all Adeona should be told about it now, it should be me. But I didnt tell her and I never will, cos tdy Adeona's my best friend. My biggest fear is that she will find out about what will happen and I'll lose her. But she being the way she is I'm sure she'll forgive me, but I'm scared, what if she doesnt and for that I'm not willing to risk it. Besides there is no point. PG and I are history. We have'nt spoken decently since the beggining of this year and Adeonas happily married. So theres no pt in diggin up old graves.

And that ladies and gentlemen, is my sad sad story. Where I'm the selfish person who has betrayed her best friend. And everyday when I talk with Adeona, I cringe. Everytime she tries to make me feel better when I'm feeling down, every time she talks to me about her personal life I'm consumed with guilt. And theres nothing I can do about it. I just need to live with it. There is no penance. I have in the past always taken pride in the fact that if nothing at all, I'm a good friend, a good and loyal friend. But after this I can never say that about myself.
I
have often thought about all this and wondered how filmy the whole thing is. Actually so filmy that if u made this a movie it would flop cos people would think it was totally unreallestic. But then this is my story and I need you'll to know this, for you'll to know who I really am.

Nobody I know, knows about this. This is something I cannot bear to discuss with my friends, even with Pretty who is like my oldest and closest friend. This and for so many more reasons, I do not want anyone I know to find this blog.